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Sure, I've watched the news coverage, but not much of it. I can't handle it. I'm one of those people who cries during Hallmark commercials. Actually, it used to be worse, but the meds I take for Fibromyalgia seem to help keep my overly sensitive emotions in check. For some reason.
20 children were violently and senselessly murdered. That will never be ok. And it is even less ok in the month of December. I'm not religious. I don't pretend to be. My child goes to a Roman Catholic school because it's free for us. And because the public schools in our area suck. Christmas to me is about family, celebration, good food, donations, holiday programs, and friends. And most importantly, it's about the pure joy on my son's face when he sees what Santa has delivered on Christmas eve. One of my favorite photos was Christmas day 2010, when my boy came down the steps wearing his cougar hat.
The pure joy on his face. It melts my heart. Every time I see it.
The parents of these babies who were so senselessly murdered will never see that pure joy on their child's face again. And it breaks my heart.
My boy is in first grade. These children were in first grade. 20 children, TWENTY. There are 18 children in my boys class. Can you imagine some idiot with a gun, not just a gun, a military style assault weapon with a high capacity magazine, walking into your child's first grade classroom and brutally slaughtering everyone inside? I cannot.
I grieve for the families. I grieve for the first responders. Oh.My.Gosh. what that scene must have looked like. I can't get that out of my mind. 20 children blown away with an assault weapon. Some most likely unidentifiable. It is so unimaginable to write, I can't imagine how it looked. How will those responders ever get those images out of their minds? How would anyone? They are trained to deal with difficult situations, but I can guarantee they were never trained to deal with a scenario like this.
I enjoy target shooting. I've shot rifles, pistols and revolvers. I have taken my CCW class. I fully intend to carry a concealed weapon someday. I have no idea if I would be able to protect other people in the event they would need protection.
My boy saw the news a few days after the tragedy. He said to me "mommy, did you hear about all of those kids who were shot in school?" I told him that I had heard about it and asked how he felt about it. He said it was bad and the shooter was a bad person. He also told me that his school has locked doors, security cameras and that you have to get buzzed in. We talked about the tragedy for only a few minutes when a picture of the shooter appeared on the tv screen. He read the caption and said "wow, that guy even looks crazy! Only a crazy person would do that, right mama?" I agreed. I do not to place all people with mental illness in a "crazy" or "bad" category, of course. I asked if he was scared and he said no.
I'm not sure he fully understands the magnitude of the tragedy. I'm not even sure I do.
It really wasn't until last week that this tragedy really hit me hard. I was laying in bed with my boy at bedtime (judge if you wish, I don't care) and he wrapped both arms around me and hugged me so tight and said "I love you so much mama", and I started to sob silently. He hugged tighter. I hugged back. We both dozed off to sleep locked in an enormous hug. I woke up a short time later and slipped out of his hug and bed, sobbing, and went into my own bed.
What would I do without this child? My heart breaks for every one of these families.
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