Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I am probably the world's worst blogger.  For many reasons.

Since February, life has been somewhat mellow for us.  The boy turned 7, with another birthday party at the putt-putt/bumper cars place.  Happy to say that the employee we dealt with was much nicer than the owner was last year.  For his 8th, we are going to invite 3 friends to Cedar Point.  No big party with 20 rowdy kids, an expensive cake, and stress.  Just his best buddies and a fun filled day at the Point.  Done.

I let Jewel Kade slip away from me over the spring and summer, but am trying to get back in the swing for fall and winter.  It's super easy money, and since my unemployment ran out in February, every dollar helps.  Dan has been so wonderful working tons of overtime helping make ends meet, and he really enjoys his job, so he doesn't ever seem to mind.  He makes great money without the OT, so with it we are able to live the lives we are used to which is good, because I have very little self control.  Or, I don't know, maybe it's not a good thing.

We mourned the 1 year anniversary of the loss of our little buddy, Beady.  Dan and I both got tattoo's of his name.  Sure miss him every day.  We buried him in the back yard with a special "Zebra" rock we chose just for him, placed at the end of a row of bleeding hearts. The bleeding heart plants have been dead for several weeks except for the one closest to his grave.  I'm not religious and I don't want to think that the plant is alive because his body is fertilizing it, but it is a sign.  It means something.  It makes me smile every time I look at his rock through the half bath window.  I know he's there and his spirit is alive.

The boy is loving 2nd grade and his new teacher.  He's in an advanced math class, chess club, Spanish club and he plays soccer.  He hates writing and has terrible handwriting.  Very frustrating to someone like me who used to get paid to address wedding invitations.  Still loves to read and spends a lot of time in the car reading, brings books or magazines to restaurants, Dr. offices, and reads at home frequently.  He's supposed to read 15 minutes a day each month to earn a pizza hut coupon from school, which has never been a problem.

I had a hysterectomy in August, best thing ever.  Super happy to have a specialist who understood and empathized and did not hesitate to help.  While the pre-surgical testing, bloodwork, procedures revealed the human papillomavirus and abnormal cells in my cervix, an undefined irregular ekg, which required extra testing and then a twisted cyst on my ovary during surgery, I am so thankful to have had the surgery.  I was in such daily pain that my quality of life had drastically decreased, I was depressed, I gained weight, I lacked motivation...the list goes on.  I feel whole again, almost "normal".  Had forgotten what normal felt like.  I like it.

I'm in my last semester at Owens and have been accepted at the University of Toledo.  I really dislike all of my classes this semester which is making it difficult to stay motivated.  Graduating and transferring to UT is exciting and scary at the same time since I think I have to get a job when I finish at Owens.  Working full time and going to school part time + is going to be difficult, but I'm doing it anyway...unless I can figure out how to go to school full time and work part time.  I've switched my major to Psychology, but may switch again to Sociology or Social Work.

I'm going to try to work on my blogging frequency and am working on a couple different angles so I don't have to get a full time job in a couple months.  Hopeful Jewel Kade will kick back in for me as well as I love the company and the jewelry and doing home parties.

More to come, I promise.  Ha.

A powerful hug

Clearly, written back in December.  See...I write posts and never post them.  Ugh.  Such a terrible blogger.
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Sure, I've watched the news coverage, but not much of it.  I can't handle it.  I'm one of those people who cries during Hallmark commercials.  Actually, it used to be worse, but the meds I take for Fibromyalgia seem to help keep my overly sensitive emotions in check.  For some reason.

20 children were violently and senselessly murdered.  That will never be ok.  And it is even less ok in the month of December.  I'm not religious.  I don't pretend to be.  My child goes to a Roman Catholic school because it's free for us.  And because the public schools in our area suck.  Christmas to me is about family, celebration, good food, donations, holiday programs, and friends.  And most importantly, it's about the pure joy on my son's face when he sees what Santa has delivered on Christmas eve.  One of my favorite photos was Christmas day 2010, when my boy came down the steps wearing his cougar hat.

The pure joy on his face.  It melts my heart.  Every time I see it.

The parents of these babies who were so senselessly murdered will never see that pure joy on their child's face again.  And it breaks my heart.  

My boy is in first grade.  These children were in first grade.  20 children, TWENTY.  There are 18 children in my boys class.  Can you imagine some idiot with a gun, not just a gun, a military style assault weapon with a high capacity magazine, walking into your child's first grade classroom and brutally slaughtering everyone inside?  I cannot.  

I grieve for the families.  I grieve for the first responders.  Oh.My.Gosh. what that scene must have looked like.  I can't get that out of my mind.  20 children blown away with an assault weapon.  Some most likely unidentifiable.  It is so unimaginable to write, I can't imagine how it looked.  How will those responders ever get those images out of their minds?  How would anyone?  They are trained to deal with difficult situations, but I can guarantee they were never trained to deal with a scenario like this.

I enjoy target shooting.  I've shot rifles, pistols and revolvers.  I have taken my CCW class.  I fully intend to carry a concealed weapon someday.  I have no idea if I would be able to protect other people in the event they would need protection.  

My boy saw the news a few days after the tragedy.  He said to me "mommy, did you hear about all of those kids who were shot in school?"  I told him that I had heard about it and asked how he felt about it.  He said it was bad and the shooter was a bad person.  He also told me that his school has locked doors, security cameras and that you have to get buzzed in.  We talked about the tragedy for only a few minutes when a picture of the shooter appeared on the tv screen.  He read the caption and said "wow, that guy even looks crazy!  Only a crazy person would do that, right mama?"  I agreed.  I do not to place all people with mental illness in a "crazy" or "bad" category, of course.   I asked if he was scared and he said no.  

I'm not sure he fully understands the magnitude of the tragedy.  I'm not even sure I do.  

It really wasn't until last week that this tragedy really hit me hard.  I was laying in bed with my boy at bedtime (judge if you wish, I don't care) and he wrapped both arms around me and hugged me so tight and said "I love you so much mama", and I started to sob silently.  He hugged tighter.  I hugged back.  We both dozed off to sleep locked in an enormous hug.  I woke up a short time later and slipped out of his hug and bed, sobbing, and went into my own bed.  

What would I do without this child?  My heart breaks for every one of these families.